Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Movie Review: The Tomb

  This... Movie... SUCKS!

 There is no better way to describe this film.  It sucks.  This film is only horrific in that it can potentially BORE YOU TO DEATH.  The official title is "H.P. Lovecraft's THE TOMB", yet the film has next to nothing to do with the Lovecraft story.  It was billed as being on-par with the Saw franchise... and it does desperately try to rip-off the Saw premise. 

 A group of people awake in a "tomb", some apparently underground warehouse filled with rows-upon-rows of shelves.  They are held by someone calling himself "The Puppetmaster", who torments them with physical and psychological challenges.  The two protagonists make their way through the warehouse (commenting on occasion about how their situation is like Lovecraft's "The Tomb"), finding people who die shortly after being found.  The film often cuts to the Puppetmaster's past-victims and occasionally a topless woman being threatened by some guy with an axe.  In the end, the female protagonist survives, walks out of the building to find a car waiting for her with a satchel full of money and a book... "The Tomb".  She drives to a hotel were a man finds her and explains that she can keep the money and the car if she has sex with him.  Instead, she kills him.
 The end.

 The only way this film could have looked worse is if it where shot with a cellphone.  Plot?  Who needs a plot?  Character development?  What the hell is that?  Special effects?  Other than apparently some of the most durable plastic bags ever manufactured by man... forget it.  

 If you are given the choice between watching this film or breaking the disc and using the shards to slit your own wrists... wrist-slitting will prove more entertaining.  


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