Thursday, September 27, 2012

Movie Review: Hardware

 Uhg... Hardware.

 The cyber-punk geeks rave about this flic.  I looked forward to it because the soundtrack featured Ministry and PIL and Iggy Pop plays a role in it.  I found the film choppy, the acting poor, the writing moronic, and the special effects lame.

 Yeah, I know, tell you what I really think.

 So, alright, the nuclear apocalypse has come and gone, and people are scratching out a living while struggling to find clean food and water and where radiation is as much a common concern as rain.  A scavenger wandering the wastes comes across a dismantled robot and drags it into the city to pawn it.  Instead of the pawn shopkeeper, he runs into a fellow scavenger who takes fewer risks, Moses Baxter (or, Captain Swagger).  Moses is "dating" one of the last hotties in civilization, an artist who keeps herself locked away in a secure apartment building in town and uses a network of loser-friends to run her errands.  Moses buys what he thinks is an inactive robot, surmising that his girlfriend will want to use it as a part of one of her sculptures.  

If the film had been about this guy, it might have been cool.
 Of course, it is not inactive.  As soon as it is near a power-source it begins to regenerate, using the many found items in the girl's studio to put itself back together as well as calling to its other parts left at the pawn shop.  When assembled, it does what it was designed to do, kill humans.  

 The movie poster says "The best science-fiction/horror film since Alien".  The movie poster lies.

Not just a pervert, a LO-REZ DIGITAL pervert!
 I give it props for what it did accomplish with such a low-budget.  That said, the writing seemed like it was done on-the-fly.  The characters are all stereotypes that have been over-done.  The pawn shopkeeper is scuzzy, the swashbuckling hero is extra-swashy, the tough-yet demure heroine is tough-and-demure, the silly side-kick is silly, etc.  The special effects were probably wonderful, all kinds or techno-garbage laying about, but you wouldn't know it because the film was so badly lit most of the time that you couldn't see anything.  If the robot weren't so badly done, I would have rooted for it to win.

 Just imagine Han Solo and Princess Leia living in a junkyard and meeting the Terminator's retarded cousin.  That will save you from wasting an hour-and-a-half of your life.

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