Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Movie Review: Shark Night

 There is only one reason that I watched this PG-13 film about privileged college kids being eaten by sharks in a lake in Louisiana.  I watched it because it was next in my horror-film queue.  I knew it was going to be bad before I even pressed play.

 Nothing about the film itself makes it a bad film.  The actors all seemed proficient in their roles, and though the typical gang of 5 is present, they are not as stereotypical and one-dimensional as usual.  In fact, each of these kids has something admirable and noble about them, and each has overcome some manner of adversity in their lives.  

 Which is weird, other than to say that this story gives you and handful of heroic individuals, who, despite their lives of privilege and status, seem to genuinely care for one another and their fellow man.  Like that would actually happen.

 Opposite the heroes are the backwoods locals, who are as menacing, racist, sexist, and quick to violence as backwoods locals are supposed to be.  And, of course, they are the real bad-guys in the film.
"One time we made these city-fellas squeal like piggies..."

 The moral of the story is that being privileged and educated assures the creation of a solid citizen, whom the rubes of the sticks will always victimize and violate.  It's like the producers want to outlaw banjo music.

 The sharks are simply an improbable means to an end.

 The production quality of the film is high, although the CGI nature of the sharks was often obvious.  The special effects were so-so... I mean, it was mostly just blood foaming in the water.  This film is, after all, only PG-13. 

Spank-material for 12-year olds.
 And, of course, this means that while we have co-eds spending most of the film in bikinis, and even one scene where two of the girls turn their backs to the camera, remove their bras, and put on their bikini tops, there is no nudity.  Not only is this woefully unrealistic and a desperate attempt to inject some sexuality into the film without actually crossing the line into adult-land, but the girls are turning away from nothing and no one to let their breasts be seen through the open window they must face to avoid the non-existent observer in the room.

 Most women I have known would face one another while undressing to continue to make eye-contact throughout their conversation.  If they were a bit shy, they might turn their back to one another, but not to the empty wall and certainly not to face the open window. But, these girls are all so wholesome and sweet that they were probably born without nipples.

 I can't imagine watching this in 3-D.  That would couple watching a bad film with having to wear those annoying glasses.   


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